That Widow

It’s been 5 days and I’m screaming in the closet at my dead husband for leaving me and not considering how that would change me when he made that choice. Some might think that’s unhealthy but for me, who else am I supposed to yell at?

The days are ok it’s that 4pm and on time that’s the hardest. I know it’s because I’m used to him walking in the door at 4:09pm after he had been at work. I know it’s because my body is used to being able to get a little break from the boys hounding me all day. I know it’s because my mind is craving the mundane adult conversation. None of these things are going to happen now. My life has been forever changed and now I just have to get the rest of me to catch up with that. Today I keep circling back to how unfair it is that I have to do these things. How unfair that I was forced into this position. How unfair that my kids were forced into this position. How unfair all of it is.

I was trying to talk to my best friend about how I was feeling and she said “it’s over now” and while I understand what she’s saying, for me it will never be over. For my kids it will never be over. Everyone else moves on with their life because the funeral is over and he’s buried in the ground but my life as a 35 year old widow with 6 young boys is just starting. This isn’t a breakup or even a divorce. When those things happen you can co-parent or you at least know that other person is somewhere out there living their life. I don’t have that luxury. Mine is buried 6 feet under waiting for a headstone to be placed.

It’s been 5 days and I’m screaming in the closet at my dead husband for leaving me. Let’s see what day 6 will bring.