That Widow

Day 6 I was in tears as I explained to the refrigerator delivery men that my husband had just died and I didn’t know I had to unhook the water line and shut the water off. I don’t even know how to do that! While they were kind enough to help me with that part the tears came when I couldn’t figure out how to rehook it up. No one could come help me and so I had to give the kids bottled water until someone finds the time to come and help.

Feelings of helplessness. Feelings of rage. Feelings of loneliness. Feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of wanting to light a match and watch it all burn down around me.

Why should I have to be left here to deal with all of this? Why should I be forced to take care of everyone when no one cares enough about me? Why wasn’t I enough? Ever?! Isn’t it just fitting that I have a whoa is me moment while others would say this is exactly why he cheated on you all of those years. It was always about you. You didn’t find anything on his phone because he deleted all of it before he chose to die and gave you his passwords. Yep, well aware. I was never enough.

Today I cried over a water line not working on my new fridge; what will tomorrow bring?