That Widow

Day 10 is our oldest son’s 10th birthday. A whole decade of loving him so much it hurts. A whole decade of being a Momma and living for someone else. Today sucked. Remembering the emergency C-section and our son arriving over 2 months early and him crying such happy tears when he was born and thanking me for him to this year he’s not here. Today…sucked.

Doctor’s appointment for our 5th son for his 18 month check up where everyone gave me their condolences. Open house for our 2nd son for kindergarten where I was stared at because I was the lady whose husband just died. Filling out the paperwork where it asks for his name and I had to write deceased. Singing happy birthday with just my kids to their brother. Today SUCKED.

I sat in his chair and cried after the kids went upstairs. I asked how can I forgive him for not being here? How is it that I would have done anything and everything to remain here when he just wouldn’t listen? How do I get past this hurt? I know he’s happy where he is. I know he’s no longer suffering, BUT I AM! How does that seem fair? He gets healed just for me to be thrown farther into the flames? I may not have suffered physically this past year but I suffered just the same carrying the burden of the family on my shoulders. I researched, I sought out doctors, I looked for alternative treatments, I dealt with his awful attitude, and mean tongue.

Day 10 sucked, but my oldest is 10 and he is happy so that’s all that matters.