That Widow

On day 11 I feel ignored. Everyone else is just getting on with business as usual and living their best lives and sharing the pictures and I’m supposed to pretend I’m happy.

His sisters are sharing “signs from heaven” that they and their children are experiencing and saying are my husband showing that he’s there. I guess he forgot about his wife and kids again or maybe he figures he’ll get around to us. I don’t know but I found I can’t even respond to them when they send those things. It hurts. It physically takes my breath away.

The 4 month old is super fussy today and just not feeling himself and yet I still have 5 others that need my attention too. I got the death certificate and it’s not even correct but I was told to just leave it because it doesn’t really matter as long as it says it’s natural causes. IT MATTERS TO ME! It will matter to my kids. Why do I have to keep excusing everyone else’s mistakes? Why do I have to keep giving? Apparently it’s just too much to petition the state for them to change it and even then it would take a while and blah blah blah. I just feel like it’s another slap in the face and something else I must endure.

My oldest son wanted to know what would happen if I died so I had to go through all of those scenarios depending on his age and different circumstances. One freak accident and my kids could be orphans. That’s incredibly saddening to me. It’s incredibly real. While everyone around me still has their person and their family my kids could be orphans.

Yep, I cried on day 11.