That Widow

Today, day 13, we went to his grave, we now refer to it as his “condo”, and our second son asked what he, his dad, was doing there. I had to explain that his body was buried in the ground but his spirit would always be with us and around us. He’s 5 so he mostly just got that his dad lives in the ground now. He said to our 3rd son; see I told ya, he’s in the earth.

I had the feeling today that I’m just existing. I’m just here, going through the motions. But I’m not really living; I’m surviving. I hate that. I hate that life has been stripped away. I hate that our kids will mostly only remember me as being here, at least I hope I don’t die too and then they won’t remember me. I think it would be worse if they didn’t know me than it would be to continue just existing. As morbid as it may seem my mind keeps walking through what my kids’ lives would look like if I no longer was here. I don’t want that for them, hopefully that’s nowhere in the cards of their lives to lose both parents at a young age. My kids are my world and I hope one day they’ll be proud of the life that I am going to give them.

I also found out that our bills were on autopay to a debit card to the bank account. For whatever reason the bank locked his debit card so the bills weren’t getting paid. I’ve been scrambling to get all of the accounts rectified but COME ON! Why would the bank do that? Why did he have to be so paranoid as to not just put in the banking information? Ughhhhh he frustrates me just as much dead as he did when he was alive. It’s a good thing I love him.

Day 13 brought the frustrations out but he still lives in the ground.