That Widow

Day 17 I felt terrible because I couldn’t walk our kindergartner into his first day of school. I had to many others in the van to be able to leave them to take him. He still ended up having a great day but it was hurtful to me.

Going through clothes tonight to try and get things out back together and put away and realizing I’ll be putting these baby clothes away forever. It hurts. It feels like another loss. My heart wasn’t complete but not it never will be.

Trying to explain to teachers why I can’t just come in for an impromptu meeting that really doesn’t matter is just ridiculous at this point. They know my husband died, they know I have 6 kids, but let’s just get together? I said could we do a zoom or you go talk to the woman that made all of this possible and figure it out. He’s been in school for 2 days and all of the sudden you want a meeting? How about you get to know him first?

I put a deposit down on a new van. Financially it makes sense for the long run but it’s still the first vehicle I’m buying without him. We have bought all of our vehicles together since the first car I bought when I was 23. He was there, we paid it off together. Then came our kids and other vehicles and houses…now it’s just me. It feels wrong almost? Like should I be doing this without him? Then I’m like he’s not coming back so if it’s what I decide to do then that’s all on me, it’s not on him anymore.

Driving to school and I said so I have everyone? The boys starting yelling out names and the oldest said his dad wasn’t there and I said yes he is, he’s always with us. #2 said, “no he’s not, he lives in the ground now” and so I said well his spirit is always with us. (I then laughed to myself)

Day 17 has brought uncomfortable feelings, tough recurring realizations, and teachers who just don’t understand that it’s only me and 6 boys. I get maybe 4 hours a night with all of them to get the baby breastfed, dinner cooked and served, dinner cleaned up, breastfeed again, do any quick chores that I can, and then head upstairs for bed. I’d rather be with my kids than listening to teachers who haven’t taken the time to know my son yet.