That Widow

Day 18 and I made it through the first few days of school. Granted the oldest was the only one to go for the 3 days it was still kind of a routine of getting up and getting our day started.

I’m struggling with others being so flamboyant and attention seeking in their “grief”. While I know who they are and I know how they typically respond I just hate that this isn’t a point where you could have stepped back from the typical and done something different. He’s my husband, the father of my children, the person I choose every single day and yet I’m not out seeking the validation of the internet. I’m not putting my face on a billboard for grief, theoretically speaking but that’s how it feels. I watched an interview with Iman about The passing of her husband David Bowie and she said it took her 5 years and being by herself in one of their houses for her to finally deal with her grief. She was busy raising their daughter and didn’t have the time to address her needs until then. Maybe I’ll have to wait until my boys are older too? I know I’m surviving and I know I’m processing as much as I can every day but I also know when I reach my max and everything else will just have to wait until the next day.

Today I chose to do the laundry, get some dishes cleaned up, and do my exercises. I also went and got my nails done as my sister-in-law came and watched the 5 older boys and I took the youngest with me. It’s not selfish to do things for yourself, it’s necessary. It’s warranted. It’s NEEDED. I’m learning to be selfish in my time and who I allow to share my time or what I allow to share my time. If I’ve met my max for the day then it will have to wait, and that’s ok.

Day 18 turns out that I’m 35 and I’m learning to be selfish for myself and my kids. I may not be screaming from the rooftops how sad I am but I am learning more about myself and how to better serve myself. My kids look to me for guidance so I have to start practicing what I preach.