That Widow

Day 19 we celebrated the oldest’s birthday at the ballpark with a suite! It have video games and all kinds of food. Friends and family came to celebrate and it was a good time. Bittersweet but still a good time.

I feel like everyone is waiting for me to crack and just jump off a bridge or something. I’m just going through the day doing the things I would have done even if he was here. This past year has really prepared me more than I had previously been. He played with the kids and stepped in when asked but otherwise most of the decisions were mine to make. I miss bouncing ideas off of him or talking about someone and him agreeing.

Today I find myself wanting to apologize to my kids for not saving their dad. As smart as I am and as much research as I put in I was still not able to save him. I know he would disagree because either way he was just done but that’s a tough thing to try and explain to your kids.

I received the life insurance money today, how much is a life worth? I guess that answer depends on if you have life insurance, how many life insurance policies you take out, and if any companies will offer additional ones.

Day 19 was good but still heartbreaking and my kids are the ones paying the price and most of them don’t even know it yet.