That Widow

Day 22, you never realize you’re doing something for the last time until after it’s the last time.

I was thinking of the last time that I saw his eyes, when he was really looking at me. The last time we slept in our bed together. The last time we gave the kids baths together. The last time we did laundry together. The last time we cooked together. The last time we watched any of our shows together. The last time we rode in the car together. The last, the last, the last. I never realized it was the last.

I’m looking around the house and I see him everywhere. It’s not a comfort but it’s not a hardship either…he’s just there. He’s constantly on my mind for good and bad things. He’s constant.

The human experience is bullshit. I don’t want to feel attached. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to remember that he’s gone. I don’t want to have to go through the bad to get to the good. Is there even a good coming? All the feel good types will assure me that it’s just around the corner and blah blah blah I’m just not here for it right now. It’s not always sunny and happy.

Day 22 and everything could just go up in flames