That Widow

Day 27 and I got 3 of them to their football meet and greet on time and presentable. It was a win.

I questioned today if I pushed him too hard? If I expected too much out of him? If I could have done something different? If I could have pushed to have him seen by different doctors rather than who his parents wanted? I know I’m smart but I just feel like I let him down in this instance. Did he lie to me about how sick he was? Did I turn a blind eye to it because I didn’t want to see it? Did he simply have an out after they said cancer because it wasn’t easy? It wasn’t an early diagnosis so he got a pass on tapping out? Why didn’t he just talk to me? I begged him to talk to me. I begged him to be honest. I begged too much of a person that said they love me.

It’s been 1 month since I brought him home from that awful hospital. The day he didn’t want to take any pain medication for the hero’s welcome home because he was afraid he wouldn’t wake up when he got here. The day he suffered in pain to make sure he got home to me and our boys. Today our youngest boy is 5 months old and he said momma for the first time while crying out. It’s a mixed bag of emotions today.

Day 27 and just lots of questions and feelings.