That Widow

Day 32, ahhh college football season is upon us. Just another reminder he’s gone.

Typically he would be working at the university for the game and doing special duty. He loved this season. He hated last year when he wasn’t able to work because of his cancer treatments and then preparing for his big surgery. Seems so meaningless now that he went through all of that pain and upset for the same outcome.

You know most of the day I do ok. I’m occupied by taking care of the kids and all of the things that need done but then BAM something just hits wrong and I’m sobbing. I was thinking about the last time in the hospital and he was recording voice memos for me. Looking back now I cannot believe we were saying goodbye forever. It blows my mind. It’s like it wasn’t real when it was happening and I wish so much I would have soaked that time up more. I would have done more, I would have said more, I would have kissed him more, hugged him more, listened to him more, smelled him more, stayed with him more…….just so much MORE. It would never have been enough but I want more!

Then I think about how my kids don’t even realize what they lost. He never wanted to just be that guy up on the wall but that’s what he is now. He’s a picture, he’s stories, and memories from other people. How is that fair to them? He was supposed to be everything to them, and learn from him, and have him so many more years.

Day 32 and it can just fuck off.