That Widow

Day 37 and I’m wondering when you die and go to heaven if you get to meet the famous people who have died or if it’s still separated? Random I know but things I wonder about lol

I got the pictures today from the funeral and was just crying while looking at them. They’re beautiful. They hold the pieces of my heart in color form. It’s such an out of body experience like it was happening to someone else, it couldn’t possibly be me. It was me. It is me.

I was talking to my brother and sister-in-law about how I’m always trying to be understanding of everyone else’s feelings or giving them grace for where they are because this is such a different situation that none of us have had to navigate before but it’s fucking exhausting. I just would rather, at this point, tell everyone to fuck off and just focus on my kids’ feelings and my own feelings. I’m just over having to reassure everyone around me. I’m over having to answer to those around me. If I want to go somewhere or do something with my kids, I can do that. I don’t have to call and update anyone or keep anyone in the daily loop. I’m still here, living, and raising 6 boys. I’ll reach out if I need something, promise, or just when I’ve simply had time to breathe.

It is not my responsibility to make you feel better. It is not my responsibility to constantly include you in everything. It is not my responsibility to suppress myself because of what you need. I have enough going on. You do you and I’ll do me and maybe we’ll meet in the middle ground.

Day 37 and I just want to breathe without having to ask permission to do so or possibly offend someone because I did something without their knowing.