That Widow

Day 38 and I hate celebrating anything without him here.

Even a family members birthday I don’t want to record and send the usual video that I would because it would normally start out with him and I saying happy birthday and then cut to each child saying it and then I would send it. I don’t want to. It’s my grandfather’s birthday so I just sent him a video of the boys this year. He was more than happy to receive it but I cried recording it and sending it. I just don’t want to do it without him.

Looking at our youngest and knowing he’s my last baby, even when he wasn’t supposed to be, is breaking my heart today too. I keep wanting to speed up this time, and not really time but the processing of emotions, but then I don’t want to because that means my baby won’t be a baby anymore. The baby chapter of my life is coming to a close and it just feels like another death all over again. I’m tired of death. I’m just exhausted with so. much. fucking. death.

Day 38 and I just don’t want to celebrate, so sue me.