That Widow

Day 39 and I just don’t know…anything.

My father-in-law is pushing me for many different things all at once like they’re no big deal. I’m sure to him they aren’t or they’re just things on a checklist to him. To me it means digging through my husband’s things or forcing myself to make decisions that I don’t think I’m ready to make just yet. For instance he wants a spreadsheet that my husband created and that’s fine except my husband didn’t just save it to his computer like other people do, it’s somewhere on a usb stick that I don’t know where that is. Again, I have to dig through his things. I told my FIL this, that I don’t even know where our house budget spreadsheet is that he kept. Didn’t matter to him he just made the comment well I guess if you just can’t find it I’d have to make a new one. Well then fucking do that since you want to act like an ass about it. He wants me to go pick a headstone. I don’t think I’m ready for that right this second. It’s not like my husband is going anywhere. It’s not like his grave isn’t marked by other things that say his name. Are you going to suddenly forget where your son is buried? I didn’t think so. I’ll get to it. “Well they only pour twice a year so if we want to get it done we have to get an appointment made.” Well, I really don’t give 2 chicken butts when they pour.

I sent out his funeral video but only sent the picture link to my mother-in-law because I don’t want those pictures on the internet. My husband would never have wanted that but some in his family need that type of validation from others and so I just told my MIL that I didn’t send the link for those out because I don’t want it to happen. I told her I was trying to find a nice way to say “don’t put these on fucking Facebook” but I hadn’t come up with anything yet and she told me to just say that. Easier said than done and they can choose to ignore me as well. I just don’t want to deal with it.

Day 39 and the theme of today is I just don’t want to deal with things that do not require an immediate response, I just want to try and breathe…it’s so hard to breathe.