That Widow

Day 44 and I was gutted a few times today.

I know it sounds like I’m just whining my way through this and I guess unless you’ve “been here” you don’t get it, and that’s the whole fucking point. I’m here, doing this, typing all of this, for me, for others, for when life fucking sucks, someone else, ME, has “been here”, and it’s a safe place for YOU to also “be here”. I hope you don’t have to but just in case, I’m here.

Today I offered my maternity clothes to my sister-in-law to use if she would like, that hurt because it was a definite indication I won’t be pregnant again. I also cried reading Blake Lively is pregnant because, again, I won’t be pregnant again. Then I had to change the alarm emergency contact from him to me so that if the alarm goes off they call me and not his cell phone because you obviously can’t answer your cell phone when you’re dead and buried 6 feet deep, minor details. I don’t know, it just all sucked and it all hurt.

I also realized today that people don’t get it unless they’ve lived it and even if they’ve lived it I find that most forget what it was REALLY like at the start or they can’t compare because of how young he and I are and we have 6 young children. Most around me who have lost a spouse are older, they lived a mostly full life, they’re kids are raised, they have grandkids, they can go retire or fuck off to wherever they want. Me? I’m here, doing life with 6 little humans that are looking at me to know what to do and it’s hard. Really hard. Most days the only people I talk to are my children. I would have days like that before but at least he would come home and talk to me about his day and I could hear about the outside world from him. I don’t even have that now. It’ll get easier…at least I’m told it will, we’ll see.

Day 44 and I was gutted and realized I’m like Rose floating on the door all alone but I didn’t get the choice to bring Jack with me …SPOILER I would have made room!