That Widow

Day 48 and it’s been 1,176 hours without you, without my partner, without the father to my babies.

Today it feels like you’ve been gone forever but I’m still stuck in the same grief. I look at our kids and what they’re doing and I’m so sad that he’s missing everything. I know he’s still around to see it but he’s not around to see it, if that makes sense. I feel his presence but I wonder if they do? I wonder if they’ll remember him when they get older? I wonder if they’ll be able to feel him as they get older? I just wonder about so many things.

I was sweeping the floor after dinner and I was thinking about if he had any regrets. If he would have done anything differently while he was here as opposed to what he did do. Would he have cheated? Would he have applied himself to our relationship more? Would he have been more present as a dad? Would he have been a better partner? Would he have chosen work over us so many times again? Would he have made more memories? Would he have made his last year more unforgettable? Would he have tried harder? Fought harder? Been in a better mindset? Knowing him he would say he wouldn’t change a thing because he set us up with his retirement and life insurance and he’s so practical but still, no ragrets? Not a single letter? I would have done some things differently but isn’t that life? Always wanting to change something or go back and have a redo? Doesn’t work that way, instead you’re left with the human experience or regrets. Again I say, fuck the human experience, I don’t need it nor do I want it.

Day 48 and it’s been 1,176 hours of thinking about all of the regrets that missing him has brought.