That Widow

Day 49 and I wished for my youngest to never grow up so he didn’t have to understand that his dad was gone.

I’m both blessed and cursed that only my oldest truly knows what it means that his dad died. Eventually they’ll all know and it will be like a new trauma for them. How awful to have to relive it but I guess I do that to myself every morning I wake up. There’s that tiny amount of time when I open my eyes and look over and realize he’s gone, again. It hurts just as much today as it did the first time. The mind is an extraordinary thing that it is so powerful it can make me forget, even if for just a second, that my husband died. That second is so peaceful, comforting, and longed for after reality comes back.

Day 49 and I dread the continued trauma that comes with living every day without him.