That Widow

Day 50 and I’m starting to lose the zell for life around me.

I’m not looking forward to anything really. I’m not looking forward to the holidays or birthdays, definitely not anniversaries, just nothing. My mother-in-law said yesterday that had I died there would be no way her son could do what I am doing in raising the 6 kids and doing everything myself and I agree. I know he agrees too because we had talked about it before. It’s not easy, it sucks the life out of you, it makes you question every thing you’re doing, but most of all it makes you wonder what it’s all for.

My sister-in-law was joking about us being 103 and 107 and I don’t want to live that long without him. That’s an amazing feat in itself and the stories those of that age can tell, I just don’t want to be one of them. I want to see my kids grow up and become the amazing people they’ll be but I don’t want to be without him for 70 years. That just sounds like tortured hell for that many years. His grandmother lived 10 years following the death of his grandfather and she said that she prayed every night that he would come and take her. They had many years of marriage as compared to us and they were older but man, do I feel that statement. I’m not suicidal because I don’t want to miss my kids growing up and I don’t want them to be orphans but for the time being my body and mind are just existing, just going through the actions to get us through each day right now. The oldest also asked if his dad faked all of this just to get away from us and he is really alive just starting a new life somewhere else. That was a gut punch.

Day 50 and I’m wrecked by my son’s imagination and I’m in survival mode.