That Widow

Day 79 and I wonder what he thought my life would be like.

As I sat on the floor eating a quick dinner and trying to read a couple of pages from a book while the boys played in the other room I questioned my husband. Clearly didn’t get an answer but it won’t stop me from talking to him. I just sat there and as screaming ensued and I just wanted 5 minutes to try and eat some food and read just a little; I asked my husband, “is this really the life you wanted for me when you chose to die?”. When he chose to die, because that’s what he did, he made a choice and left me out of it, did he think I would be enjoying hot meals with my 6 boys that would be behaving like perfect angels? Instead I’m hiding in another room trying to scarf down a couple bites of lukewarm food before I have to get their dinner ready.

How he ever thought that life would be easier or better without him is just beyond my understanding. There’s a campaign that states “You’re not a burden” and I tried saying the same to my husband. I tried begging. I tried everything and he still left me. Maybe he was a burden to himself? Maybe I just wasn’t enough to keep him here?

Day 79 and maybe nothing was ever going to be enough for him.