That Widow

Day 97 and I’m done fucking counting because it’s not helping.

I know it’s another week without him. I know time is still passing, and I know how much time has passed, I’m just done fucking recording it. Those thoughts are not serving me in a productive manner so I’m letting it go. Again, I know how much time has passed but spending so much effort on those thoughts every week seems to be hindering rather than helping.

There used to be a time I thought I couldn’t live without him for even a minute and here we fucking are. How many times did I think I could never live without him because we created this life together, even at the shittiest of times I could never imagine it. The day we went to get our marriage license I stopped him on the steps and I said please don’t go in there with me if this isn’t forever. He looked back at me, because he hadn’t stopped when I did on the steps, and he’s like what? I said marriage is a one and done for me, I’m not here just to come back to file my divorce. This is it for me. He agreed, obviously, even when he didn’t take our vows as seriously as I did, and yet here I am. It still wasn’t forever for us to physically be together. How depressing is that thought lol

Day 97 and I still got the shaft on forever.