That Widow

Day 117 and it’s almost a fear but it’s strange.

Since losing weight it has been weird to be in my body. I previously said I have always been tall and, I don’t want to say skinny because it wasn’t typical skinny but just naturally thinner. The point is I didn’t have to work for it, I ate whatever I wanted, I didn’t stress about a size. I was a medium or size 7 or 9 depending. I never thought good or bad about those things, they just were.

Now that I’ve lost over 80lbs and I’m seeing sizes I’ve never seen before it’s a weird feeling. My mother always tried to dress me in baggier clothing or to over cover my body and so as I’m trying to find a wardrobe or style that fits me it’s harder with more form fitting clothes. It was hard to be so heavy for 10 years and to see myself as that weight and to not recognize the person in the mirror. I love my body for helping me have 6 kids, 6 csections, 6 breastfeeding journeys (1 of which I’m still on), but this body also struggled. This same body hurt so bad every single day because of the extra weight. This body needed more attention.

Back to the sizes though, I am struggling with actually sizing down. I know I need to. I know that I need smaller workout clothes and to purge the others but I’m so hesitant. It’s like a mind game if holy cow the smaller size actually fits! Maybe I shouldn’t get rid of the bigger ones in case this is a jinx or it’s only this specific style and fabric that fits in a smaller size. It’s frustrating to have this internal battle with myself just because I’ve finally carved some time out for myself during the day to be consistent.

Day 117 and while it’s just a size it’s more of a mental shift.