That Widow

Day 129 and that opened a whole can of worms.

My sister-in-law was asking about Christmas and if we were coming, short answer no. She then asked if it was because I didn’t want to be around extended family or my mother-in-law because she would be weepy. I said it’s that and so much more. I don’t think people hear me when I tell them how hard it is. I know they don’t “get it” but come on. I’ve said it before I don’t want to be asked “how I’m doing” or comments of “I don’t know how you do it” or “you’re so strong” or “it’ll get better.” People have an incessant need to talk instead of just letting it go. Move on to something else. For the love of everything STOP staring at me and my kids! Next, you’re right I don’t want to be around my mother and father-in-law who are going to be crying at the drop of a hat. The boys don’t need that. We’re struggling enough so the least you can do is hold yourself together for them. I really don’t care if that makes me sound like a bitch.

I also explained that we are having to make all new traditions without my husband. Everything that we have ever done has been focused around our family unit and that included him. With rigidity levels in my house the way they are, with autism and just different levels of need, it’s been hard. Change is hard on a good day in our house let alone the bad days. Then I explained I hurts in so many ways to see everyone with their person or the kids with both of their parents, even if the parents are shitty. If I had to take deep breaths just to get out of the driveway for a Christmas lights drive thru I don’t want to know what it would take to be surrounded by people for Christmas. I’m not there mentally yet. I have to protect the boys and my mental health and that doesn’t include Christmas gatherings this year. Instead my nieces and nephew are going to come to our house for a gift exchange and pizza one afternoon and that will have to be enough for them.

Day 129 and I wish others would think of what we need rather than trying to force what they want.