That Widow

Day 135 and it’s taken years to get to this point.

I’ve been noticing that I’m not obsessed with the scale these days. I for years I have weighed myself a lot, more than I would like to admit. It was a wake up and weigh and then maybe later in the day I would do it again to see what the change would be. I would justify my weight to myself and mentally explain why it could be that number. Maybe I hadn’t fed the baby, which ever one that might be at the time, and so I have X amount of extra weight from the breast milk or I was wearing a different outfit than the day before and on and on and on the explanations went. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t healthy. Now I might weigh myself every couple of weeks. I know my body is changing, I see the changes, I feel the changes, my clothes reflect those changes. It hasn’t been easy to get to this point. Growing up my mother was such a harp about her weight, my weight, a random strangers weight. When I was pregnant with my first she told me I needed to watch what I eat because it was a lot harder to get the weight off after having kids. For her losing weight or being skinny is a badge of honor. She’ll crash diet and try every gimmick out there but then put on more weight than what she started with. The problem is she doesn’t want to put in the work to lose the weight and keep it off and instead is so unhappy with herself that she has to project that onto others and spread her negativity. The same can be said when someone is working on losing weight, in a healthy way, and she’ll be negative about that because it’s working but she’s not happy. “Are you still riding your bike and working out? You need to slow down or you won’t have anything left.” “Your sister-in-law had to get up today to go on her run instead of sitting around with us.” She just drones on so it’s no wonder I had such an issue with the scale. Sifting through my mind and what I know to be toxic and unhealthy and choosing not to continue those things has been freeing. It’s a journey but it’s one I’m comm to continuing.

Day 135 and being body positive should be what matters not what your mother thinks.