That Widow

Day 138 and sometimes it is crippling.

There are times when this overwhelming, crippling sadness just washes over me. I’ll be watching the kids do something and I’ll smile along but then I’ll think how I wish he was here to see it. That’s when it hits me like a tidal wave that he’s gone and can’t physically be here to see it. That’s when the tears come that I quickly blink away so as to not upset the boys.

It’s still hard to imagine that this is forever. The days seem to be moving quickly but it still feels like a lifetime before I’ll ever see him again. Such a rock and a hard place. I want to be here and enjoy my boys and watch them grow and become who they’re meant to be but at the same time I want to be with him too. It’s just one of those things where you want to hurry up and get there but also go slow enough to enjoy the journey.

Day 138 and it’s just the same sad song.