That Widow

Day 147 and I still find myself apologizing.

I find that I’m still apologizing to my kids for them not having their dad. A lot of the time it’s in my mind but it’s still happening. I know I shouldn’t feel the burden of fault because I didn’t do anything but I think it’s just one of those things that any parent would find themselves doing. As a society we apologize constantly and a good portion of the time we shouldn’t be but it’s just something that happens. There’s a shirt that says along the lines of “ope, excuse me, sorry, I’m just going to squeeze by you.” How many times have you apologized because you needed to get around someone that is blocking your path even though it is them who should apologize for being rude and blocking the path to begin with? I’m notorious for doing things like this! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I do it when my husband died.

I need to stop apologizing all of the time. I need to stop accepting blame when it is neither my fault or blame to be placed. I need to let others accept their own blame and to also realize that sometimes shitty things happen and you had no part in it so you don’t need to fill the void with an apology. I couldn’t save their dad no matter how much research I did, how much advocating with doctors, or how much begging I did. It all fell on deaf ears at the end.

Day 147 and the only thing I can do is love them.