That Widow

Day 150 and it was a rough day.

For whatever reason I was incredibly sad today. All day I’ve just been off. I can chalk it up to not sleeping enough, baby is going through a sleep regression then he had surgery and he’s teething (read:he’s awake every hour anywhere from whimpering to fully awake), I’m constantly “on” because there are no breaks when you have 6 kids and no one else to help, or just being mentally and physically exhausted. It felt like more though. There are times when it feels like he’s suffocating me but yet he’s not here. I kept trying to get my workout and had to stop repeatedly because I was just overwhelmed with the feeling of needing to take deep breaths or sob.

I text my brother, because he gets me, he knows how to pull me back, and I said it’s just another learning day. Learning to breathe after doing it for 35 years seems dumb but necessary. It’s like a wave, you just have to wait for it to pass. Embrace it and then let it go. Then he made me laugh and that’s why I needed him. Get the tough thoughts out of the way so happiness could be brought back in.

Day 150 and I know there will be more days like this but for now I made it through this day.