That Widow

Day 26 and as I folded laundry I realized a lot of others things died, not just my husband.

His clothes will never be washed and folded by me again, unless one of the boys decided to wear something. I’ll never have another biological baby, it’s always been on my heart to foster/adopt but who knows now. I’ll never breastfeed again after this baby. The baby clothes going back in their tote and being stored in the basement doesn’t matter. There are so many things that don’t matter anymore because they’re over. I wasn’t prepared for this season of my life, it was forced upon me and that’s such a shitty feeling.

I looked at getting a dog, the whole John Wick thing has always been a joke for him and I. No one was excited and everyone told me not to do it. Like it’s their say? Like they get to TELL me what to do? I didn’t realize I was a child incapable of making decisions. Ugh bleh

I’ve lost 50lbs so I ordered my Peloton bike, it comes Friday and I’m sooooo excited. I’ve been working out since April when he really got bad and it just made me feel better about myself. It gives me time to just breathe. I’m now normally yelling at the kids about touching things or doing stuff they shouldn’t be doing but I still get it done. Him and I would fight about it and I asked him why he had such a problem with me working out and he said “well what do I get to do by myself ever?” To which I LAUGHED! I’m a stay at home mom to 6 boys and you want to talk to me about doing something alone? I don’t even ride my bike alone. Jokes on him though because he got to die and do the whole heaven thing by himself, well with the assistance of family on the other side, but still.

Day 26 a lot of things died that day, not just my husband but little pieces of me too, I just didn’t know it yet.