That Widow

Day 63 and I’m struggling with him being free and happy and me being the head of the ship being tossed around the waves.

As children were taught heaven is this amazing place where everything is happy and perfect. The person who goes to heaven is made perfect, they have no worries, they’re the happiest they could ever be. The same things have been reiterated to me in all of the things I have read and I do believe that. I’m so happy that he gets that since he had to suffer while here. He suffered not only with cancer but I think to a point the decisions that he had made in hurting me. He doesn’t have to worry about any of that now though.

The problem comes in that now I’m here doing it all. I am choosing to do it all but still it just sucks sometimes. To know that he’s so fucking happy and carefree and yet I’m here with what, at times, feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Day 63 and like the Crow says “it can’t rain all the time”.